Unintended Muse

As promised, here are some recent (taken sunday morning) pictures of me. Cut, of course, so I don't clutter up anyone's Friends page.
( Bring on the pictures, baby! )
Please keep in mind that I am not wearing any make up in any of the pictures. I was too lazy to go and put some on, and the camera was running out of battery power. Now is the time to tell me if you think I need a makeover, or if you think I look decent. Either works for me. Just tell me what you think. I thrive on your lovin'. I'm such a comment whore, and I know it.

I'm skipping school tomorrow, and that's pretty much that. See, there's this huge assembly during period one tomorrow for all the grade ten classes on how the Canadian government is run and other such stuff that goes along with the gov't, and it lasts for two hours. Now, I have a grade ten class first period. This assembly is going to waste my time, and I refuse to sit and listen in a crowded auditorium to a person talk about issues I already discuss with my parents (mum in particular), who work for the government, on a regular basis. My time would be much better spent if I stay at home and work on my Canadian History course, which I need to finish before the end of June. And my depression research paper, of course. So I'm simply not going. The good thing is that I have a headache which will probably continue into tomorrow, so I have an actual legitimate excuse not to go.

My depression research paper is looking like it will turn out well, from all the information I've gathered on it. I still need to write my interview questions though. I'm thinking I should ask more than I need to, to keep my options open in case I want to change the direction or tone of the paper. For the visual aid, I have an idea of taking a picture of  a razor, cough syrup, advil, Paxil, Effexor and some rope, and making a weird kind of collage out of it. I'm really not sure yet, but it looks cool in my mind's eye. Cool in a slightly morbid sense, of course. But I've always been a bit on the morbid side, haven't I?

In a way I feel like I don't have much to write, but the words are just flowing onto the screen at the same time. We've been discussing dream analysis a lot in our psychology unit lately, and it made me wonder what my recurring chase, rape and murder nightmare means.  I'm going to try and piece it together a little, for my own benifet. Feel free to ignore this section, if you like.

( dream analysis )
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They're paying homage to Motown tonight on American Idol, which pleases me greatly. I love all the old Motown hits. They've just got this feeling that mellows me out. Whenever I need to unwind fast, I put on some Motown. My daddy raised me on this stuff, and I guess he raised me well. Speaking of daddy, it will be just he and I tomorrow, Thrusday and Friday. Mum is already out of town, in Edmonton, and Andrew leaves for NYC early tomorrow morning (5:00 am, poor sucker). So this will be an interesting rest of the week, and quite possibly scary. Or both. Yes, it will be both.

Mm, I need to go shower and convince Daddy I can't possibly go to school tomorrow, because of this blasted headache. It throbs at the base of my skull. So, I will be off now to visit the shower fairy. Remember, I like comments on how I look (especially if they're nice, but you know, I'm not overly picky)! Peace and love to all!
AAFWL,
Me

So I'm sitting here drinking a can of Coke (and yes, I realize it's not even noon yet) having just finished a chocolate snack for a pick  me up. Chocolate, caffiene and journalling. A teenage girl's godsend. And no, I am not PMSing right now, it's fairly early in my cycle at the moment. This is just the momentary blues.

Thing is, though, can't quite pinpoint why I feel so down right now, other than significant amount of pain last night. Haven't had that much pain in my leg in months. Yes, that must be it. I mean, what else have I got to feel sad about? I've got tons of interesting and caring friends who I love, I've lost three pounds since I was last weighed and I'm doing fairly well on getting the second unit of history done.

Maybe it's that I'm too hard on myself. I think I should be doing the history faster, even though I probably do deserve the break. I think I should be skinnier, around 125. But I really shouldn't lose ten pounds, because even though I'm my father's daughter through and through, I definitely inherited my mum's bone structure. If I get too skinny, it makes me look kind of unhealthy because of that. So need to replace that desire to be like all my petite friends. I wasn't born petite. Actually, since I was only 3 lbs 11 ounces, I guess I was in the beginning, but you know what I mean.

I also put myself down for lacking social skills. What the hell is up with that? I know that if I said that to one of my friends, I'd kick my own ass. Why am I not kicking my own ass for my behaviour towards the number one person in my life, me? Nancy said something really profound last night. We all die alone. You have to face your own mortality by yourself. That struck a chord with me, and I know that she's right about that. But... all these years, trying to come to grips with mine has been so, so difficult. Mortality is a harsh thing to face alone. I really don't want to do it alone. I think that's part of the reason I got this journal and made it open to the public. So other people can share my pain. But they aren't, not in the way I want them to. I wish that by sharing my story, bits of the pain would lessen. I guess it has, just not in the way I originally intended.

Feel like such a loner right now. After typing that sentence, my immediate thought was 'Is it possible to hug yourself? Because I want to,'.  The more I write, the calmer I feel myself becoming. At least, I think this is calm. To be honest, I'm not sure if it is, but I do know I don't want to erase anything in this entry.  I just...feel so jumbled at times. Like once I figure something about myself out, something else pops up I don't understand. Alas, that seems to be the way this life concept works.

I wish I had more confidence in myself. I have some, but it seems to fail me half the time. Which makes me harder on myself, which I don't need at all. I'm alright at convincing people to take my advice, but horrible at doing so myself. This may make me sound like a mentally ill nutter, but I hear voices in my head. Most of them are good, though, because they're the voices of my friends. So, whether you realize it or not, you're always with me. At least, shadows of you are. And that's what keeps me from jumping off the edge.

I want to write a poem, but can't seem to find the words. You know, it took my mum ages to convince me that writing was indeed an art, and that I had the soul of an artist. I always thought that art was only visual, and I'm  a miserable failure when it comes to that. But eventually I came to my senses, and now I can't seem to stop writing. It's almost like an automatic thing now. I've gotten so much better with typing over the years, too. I used to need to look at the keyboard to type, but now I don't have to, unless I use my left hand. I'm a one handed typer, and I've gotten pretty fast over the years, if I do say so myself. Been using a computer fairly frequently since third grade. 8 years now, imagine that.

Mmm, need to shower when mum gets home. Possibly sooner, if my legs allow it. They may decide to give me trouble, though, so I wouldn't be able to get out. I want a juicer, god damn it. I also really can't wait for it to be June, because then both Prisoner of Azkaban  and The Notebook will be out in theatres. Exictement. I'm getting my hair cut later. I will take a picture once I am all nice and clean and photogenic looking. I think I shall be shutting up now. Peace and much love to all!

AAFWL,
Me

My march is dedicated to two depressions. One is, of course, the Great Depression for the latest unit of Canadian Hist. in the 20th century. The other depression is the actual mental illness, which I'm doing my Anthropology research paper on. So if I seem kind of down and unresponsive this week, it's probably because of those two things. Choosing depression as my topic makes it easier, in a way, because I've gone through it and am still working on overcoming it because I know things about what it feels like already.

But after I read More than Moody (which is a fantastic book on teenage depression, btw, in case anyone else chose depression as their topic too. I recommend picking it up, because it gives you  a lot of information) for awhile, I feel myself kind of slipping into my depression routine a little, because I can identify so strongly, and it plays up my anxiety disorder. I seriously need to work on the cognitive retraining bit, because my selftalk  is almost always negative. Like, reading More than Moody, thoughts such as: I'm going to get depressed as an adult. I'm going to need Paxil to help me manage college, because I'm not as stable without it. run through my head, so in that respect maybe choosing depression was a bad thing. I'm so glad I see Dr. Cohen on Monday, because I just need to get these thoughts out somehow and to know if they're justified. I admit that my depression is much better under control now that my physical health is, but I'm really scared of relapsing if I don't continue treatment, because I have all the risk factors for it to. Plus, that period was just total hell. I didn't care what I looked like, I barely showered, I was constantly isolating myself and I just felt so numb to the world. I don't ever, ever want to feel that again. It's just...awful. There's no way I can fully describe it, but those people who've gone through a major depressive episode know what I mean.

On a more positive note, I recieved my mark for unit one of history and shrieked. I got a 100. Can you believe it? It's so difficult to get 100, because teachers nearly always find something you can improve on. The person who marked it, Kate, gave me a lot of great comments that lifted my mood tremendously the day I found out. Comments like:
Well expressed!
Very impressive!
Strong reasoning!
Great!
You have talent!
You don't need any tips from me!
Who would not like your work?
Keep up the thoughtful comments as they contribute to your mark and learning process.
All skills are in the high end of level 4. Brilliant work!
Keep up the high standards!
You are off to a smashing start!
By the time I finished reading all that, I was blushing like mad. Am now too, come to think of it.

I was botoxed on thursday, which was a usual pain. I absolutely hate waiting to get that done. I get so damned antsy. The only thing good about getting botox in my mouth is that now when I eventually start getting injections in my foot, the pain will be lessened by comparision. An ironically good thing, I suppose. Alas, my teen years were not meant to be anything close to normal.

This unit on the Great Depression (with only one section dedicated to WWII, damn it all. I like learning about the Holocaust type stuff, so this sucks.) is looking relatively easy and I should be finished it by friday. Question 9a) is a real pain in the ass though, because it really has less to do with history than it does with english. List all the the words and phrases that describe feeling in this poem, honestly! This helps me in learning the historical material how? Oh well. I already questions were poorly written when I started the damn course, but I shall manage it anyways. Absolutely MUST finish the course before school ends, because I do not want to repeat what happened when I did my English exam last summer. That guy was a complete pain in the ASS!

*breathes deeply* Ah, I feel so much better now that I've vented some of my emotions. I must make an effort to write in here more often so it does not bubble over.

Cait is sleeping over tonight, and will be here in about a half hour. I'm going to be the subjects in some of her shots for photography class, so I get to act a little like a model, if only to boost my own esteem. I should get back to working on that dumbass question 9a) now. I love you all dearly, especially youonceuponatime13, don't ever forget that! I love the rest of you equally, of course, but my poor girl has had a rough day.
So Trish, just look at my icon, honey!
AAFWL.
Me</span>

I hope Daddy gets the message I left on his machine, because we need groceries. Mostly drinks. We have no milk, no juice that I can drink with out worrying about getting reflux and most importantly, my caffiene supplement of choice, Coke. 'Tis really very sad. What is saddest of all, though, is the fact that I had popcorn for lunch (which I ate about 4 hours late). I really need to learn to cook. But not any time soon, simply because I'm too lazy at the moment to learn.

I've started Tae Kwan Do, but I'm not sure I'll be able to continue. It's too much of a time conflict. It's on Friday nights, right after my parents get home and even though it's relatively close, it gives me no time to eat and I'm therefore on an empty stomach. Plus Vicki is now coming for my therapy on Fridays and the time she sees me varies with the week, depending on how many patients she treats before me at the clinic. Frankly, I care more about having therapy than learning self defense.

I mean, Tae Kwan Do is interesting and all, but it's kind of confusing and I get dizzy trying to spin the right way after kicking then punching after I stop the spin. It's so disciplined. Let's just say I've never been good with things requiring a lot of discipline, because I usually feel weirded out by the concentration it requires and proceed to fuck up. I also feel ridiculous when I punch, because you're supposed to shout somethieng like "HIYAH!" and I can't stop laughing when I think of doing that. I mean, honestly. It's just like when someone says "I can do Kung Fu!" and does a bunch of weird hand movements, thus looking like a fool.

Sarah, who is Nancy's daughter, is my teacher for the class. She's really nice, and it was her idea to do this, which is touching. Because you know, I'm not used to people thinking I can do physical sports of any kind. Sarah is on a really famous demo team, and I admire her for competing, but I could never do it myself. It's just not me. I don't do competitive sports. I do fast walking, I do biking, I do swimming, I do weight lifting. Solitary stuff, y'know? I've never been very comfortable playing sports in a team, since like...ever. It's embarassing when I do, because I always suck at it just end up getting in the way. No one can ever label me a jock, because I'm in no way an athlete. Nor do I particularly want to be. I used to, as a kid, but now I'm just happy with the comfortable life and nice easy to do solitary workouts. So to be perfectly honest, if Tae Kwan Do doesn't work out, I won't be horribly upset. In fact, I'll be a little bit happy. Haha, I'm so damn lazy.

The following message is for anyone who sees me offline on a fairly regular basis: DO NOT COME NEAR ME IF YOU HAVE ANY SORT OF FLU, COLD, VIRUS OR COUGH. I CANNOT AFFORD TO GET SICK. SO PLEASE STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM ME IF YOU'RE SICK. THANK YOU!

Seriously though, I can't afford to get sick. I've been sick enough from the two things I got in February. I want March to be a good month. So no getting sick for me. I shall be the first dork ever who ODed on vitamin C. At least, frombrenna would love it if I was. In a twisted sort of way of course.  Because she'd hate the fact I was dead, but love how I died. Yes, frombrenna and I are very twisted. But you knew that.

Must...stifle...yawn. So tired. Need...Coke...desperately. Will never be able to figure out trigonometry with out it. God, I hate trigonometry. And math in general, but trigonometry is topping the list right now. I'd actually been doing rather well in math up to this point. I got perfect on the last test on similiar triangles, but I know that trigonometry will be much harder to pass. Especially since my graphing calculator is so dumbass and has many, many confusing functions that Stanky cannot even figure out. Curse you, Casio. You too, whoever came up with trigonometry! You're taking all the fun out of math! But wait... math was never fun!

Thank god Anthro, Soc and Psych is fascinating enough to make up for the bore that is Math. I've decided to do my research paper for that class on depression. I mean, I know a hell of a lot about it from personal experience, in many different roles. And I can always count on some of you to be willing to let me interview about your personal experiences with depression, because I trust y'all like that. Wait...did that make sense? I'm not sure it did. So let me rephrase. Would any body on my friends list who has suffered from depression be willing to let me interview you? I'd keep out anything personal, even your real name if you didn't want me to use it. I'm flexible like that.

Speaking of Anthro, test on friday on what makes us human. Should be fun. My notes are an effing mess, I tell you. I'm so disorganized when I'm not on a computer. Sad, isn't it? I'll sort through those tomorrow. Tonight is dedicated to finally (after months) finishing unit one of Canadian History, and of course, the awful trigonometry. Did I mention I hate it?

New layout style, trying the S2 series. I like the colours I've got going. Very minty and spring-like. Also, a fantastic new icon made for me by october. I'm forever in her debt. Isn't it adorable? Ooh, good. Daddy did as I asked so I leave you to go eat with a quick
poem I wrote a few days ago:

I want to stand alone as I
Look out over my horizions,
Feeling like this moment is only mine.

Yet I want you with me so
We can share this together,
For I could not have done it on my own.
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me

Greetings from my basement! I can finally use the computer now. We've been installing WindowsXP and other such things. It's cool, but it'll take me awhile to get used to. Right now, my desktop has a full moon sort of theme. Yes, that is because of Remus, but I'm sure most of you had surmised that already.
So...my weekend went well. pinkstarundies asked to come over, so we arranged to have a Harry Potter Fangirling Weekend. It was amusing. We watched the first movie, and I read her the entirety of The Lost Prophecy, and then proceeded to explain what it meant to her. We also watched the trailer for PoA like a billion times. Mmm...Remus...

It shamed me to learn that pinkstarundies  hasn't read all of Philospher's Stone. She's only read up to the sorting. Which is when all the good stuff starts to happen. If she can't find the box with her copy, I'll lend her mine to finish. Right now, she's got another book of mine that she's reading, after I kind of slipped up and ruined part of it for her. Oops. I didn't mean to, really. It was late and my mind was wandering.

Anyway, according to her, my house has a good library. And good food. It pleases me to know people like coming to my house, and I hope that I'm a small part of the reason they enjoy it. Thank God my parents rarely turn my friends away (and when they do, they have a good reason). I love them for that.

I swear to God, the stars are just begging me to become a slut because I was born a Scorpio with a lot of Scorpio influenced planets. It's funny. Once of the objects of my birth date is a g-string. After finding this out, pinkstarundies said my plans to become a hooker were pretty damn sensible. I laughed.

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vaporshi

Oooh, lookie at the lovely new icon uy_lance  made me! It's brilliant, no?
( Yet another meme about me... )
AAFWL,
Me

Dear lord, this bloody uncomfortable. See, I've had a tube up my nose that drops down into my stomach and then on the other end (the one sticking out my nose) it connects to a little black box that is monitoring the acid levels in my stomach. It's a 24 hour test for my acid reflux problems. I've had it in now since like, 1:00 yesterday afternoon.

It hurts my nose when I swallow, because swallowing tugs at the tube and it goes farther in. At one point last night, snot was running from my nose so bad (because having the tube in my nostril makes it run I guess) that the tape keeping the tube in came off. I had to hold it in place so it wouldn't fall out while the parentals cut more tape.

Right now, it feels like there's a HUGE lump in my throat. I don't like eating around a tube, it's very awkward. I can't drink anything but milk or water, because stuff like soft drinks and juice are too acidic. I'm having a hard time chewing bread and pastries too. It really sucks.

The only thing worse is the GI nurse didn't give me the instructions about when I had to stop eating until yesterday, so my mom wouldn't let me eat breakfast until the nurse called, and by the time she did call, it was too late for me to eat or drink anything (even water). I was so pissed. By the time I left the hospital fully hokked up with the tube and black box, I hadn't eaten in 15 hours (more, actually).

I learned to things yesterday:
a) I can handle needles, physical exams and the like, but if a test requires no eating for longer than 4 hours, I loathe it.
b) I am a bitch if I haven't eaten a thing all day.

Another thing that pissed me off was that when they first put the tube in, they pushed it in too far, by like, 7 centimetres (approx 3 inches, for all of you unfamiliar with the metric system). I very nearly vommitted while waiting to get the chest x-ray done.

Right now, my pH is 6.5, which is slightly acidic. Thought you'd wanna know.

This pH test definitely ties with botox as my least favourite medical appointments. And guess what I go have tomorrow? Botox! Abso-fucking-lutely brilliant, a double whammy!

I think this week was designed to torture me. It's working. Ouch. My nose hurts. I wouldn't be suprised if it bleeds. Oh well, a bloody nose just adds to my luck this week. First I chip my tooth on the weekend, now I'm forced to endure a week of medical torture. Lovely, don't you think?

Ugh. I hope none of you ever have to have this test done. It's a nightmare.
AAFWL,
Me

PS: Hugs are greatly appriciated at this time.

Kosrose in The Uncool Way to Stab

In this compelling masterpiece, kosrose (Alexa Vega) is an ex-mercenary with a problem. She needs to protect uy_lance (Tobey Maguire) before her former partner, _sacredheart (Michelle Williams), brainwashes him. Using bullets to punctuate sentences, she sneaks into a secret castle recklessly. The hi-jinks that follow are well worth watching.

Produced by ianiceboy

Kosrose in In the Singlehood

With alluring decadence, this age-old romance, set in wartorn Poland in 1940, draws the viewer into the journey of friends, uy_lance (Rupert Grint) and kosrose (Hilary Duff), who discover themselves without hope due to the fact that a plot to keep them apart has been set in motion by his heartless rival, _sacredheart (Michelle Trachtenberg). The only way a film could be more moving is if it was screening during flight.

Produced by ianiceboy

Kosrose in The Party that Ruled

kosrose (Rachael Leigh Cook) has seemingly run out of luck. As a result of her playing a prank on the most popular girl in school, her lovely boyfriend is the subject of childish derision, and bluemaiden, her Internet chat friend (Hilary Duff), is too immersed in study to help. frombrenna (Claire Danes) gossips about control of the local bullies, which brings out the best in everyone. From there on it, conversation is replaced by song.

Produced by ianiceboy

I find my "movies" ridiculously amusing. Teresa is right. This is much better than studying, hehe.
Jan. 12th, 2004 @ 05:19 pm

I must say, I'm feeling very proud of myself for keeping up this journal as long as I have. I've always been the type of person who held things in because I hate being viewed as weak willed and dependent. As a kid growing up with a disability, I was always getting overprotected and coddled. I hated it. From that resentment, my stubbornly independent nature was born.

I strove to be as independent as I could early on, especially in school. I wanted my teachers to see that I could indeed do all that was required of my classmates (they cut it down for me) and that I could do it ten times better than kids who didn't have my problems to contend with. My will paid off. By third grade, the school decided I no longer needed the help of an educational assistant. But by the sixth grade, this habit of doing it all and doing it all to perfection, had made me into an anxious perfectionist.

My teacher that year was a nightmare. He was so strict with our homework. If you didn't hand in your homework, you would be put in the homework club. The Homework Club was one club you did not want to be a part of. Basically, if you were in this little club it meant that you had to have your planner signed by him at the end of the day and bring it back signed by your parents as proof that they were keeping an eye on your work. If you didn't, he'd lecture you on responsibility. Our class got frequent lectures through out that year. It was so humiliating for all of us. Me and Allison (best mate) would end up spending four to six hours of homework a night. That is not an exaggeration. We'd usually start to cry during breaks because we were so stressed out.

I had many dreams about failing school that year, and I was only eleven. I'm suprised I didn't see the connection between my experience in sixth grade and my deep rooted fear of failing school if I don't do something to perfection earlier. I don't know if that year tramautized me or something, but from then on, I always worried about being a good student and proving myself. I didn't want to be humiliated like that ever again.

Unfortunately, my CONSTANT VILIGANCE! approach when it came to school only served to feed my anxiety problems, to the point where I can't get that self defeating little voice to shut up and it has now spread to all areas of my life.

I'll demonstrate. Here are things I have worried about today, off the top of my head:

1. Getting work into my Co-Op teacher
2. Getting off my ass and doing my Canadian History, before I end up failing because I didn't finish it by June 2004.
3. Getting my transportation worked out for next semester
4. My schedule for next semester
5. If my friends think I'm a slut
6. If I'm getting too fat
7. If I'll actually finish high school
8. Whether or not I'll end up in a steady job.
9. If I'll ever get a boyfriend, because am so not girlfriend material.
10. If I eat too much for emotional reasons.
11. If I sound interesting in a conversation
12. How my botox will go next week.
13. How my probe test to check my acid levels will go next week.
14. If I can get 2 credits for Co-Op, after factoring in my health issues as a inhibiting element in obtaining more hours. Because I only have enough hours for one credit, but I need 2.
15. If I am hideously unattractive to the male population.

I realize that not all of them are logical, and quite a few are silly and irrational, but I have worried about them over the course of today. It really goes to show you there's a lot of things we tell ourselves without realizing it. I, for instance, seem to like belitting myself over stupid things. And that's not very nice. Now I feel accomplished, because I've done what my physcologist wanted me to do before our next session (Monday), which was to write out some worries I have. Aren't y'all proud of me? No?

Well, here's something you can be proud of: This is my 100th entry. I'm very pleased, because I've gotten so many wonderful comments (over 450) during the time I've had it, which really encourages me to continue being open in future entries. I'm so glad to have so many great friends. I'm indebted to you, I really am.
AAFWL,
Me

PS: Hey Bren, wanna call me this weekend?